The code and data behind xeiaso.net
change (#407)
Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill <me@christine.website>
authored by
Christine Dodrill
and committed by
GitHub
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blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown
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blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown
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---
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title: Change
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date: 2021-10-20
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tags:
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- enby
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- trans
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---
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[Content warning: this post talks about the transgender/nonbinary coming out of
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the closet experience. If you are not in the best headspace for that, feel free
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to skip this post until you're in a better headspace. This post isn't going to
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randomly vanish. It will be there when you're ready. There are some descriptions
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of subconscious body functions and bodily fluids that may gross some people
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out.](conversation://Cadey/enby)
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Coming out as transgender/nonbinary to someone you care about one of the most
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terrifying things you can do. At least it feels that way, it feels like things
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are going to change and you'll lose that person. It can be gut-wrenching,
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especially for family.
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For me the scariest part of this whole thing has been the change in how people
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see me. It can be a huge abrupt difference for some people, and the unknowns in
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how people will react to that can make you paralyzed with fear. So, let's look
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at change a little.
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[Annoyingly, the same kinds of people that get upset about someone changing
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their name and pronouns for coming out as transgender/nonbinary are _instantly_
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and _immediately_ tolerant of someone changing their last name for marriage and
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"get used to it" almost instantly.](conversation://Cadey/facepalm)
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Life is a constant change. Stop for a moment right now and feel your body. Feel
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how the pressure in your chest changes as your lungs subconsciously inhale and
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exhale. If you have a watch, look at the seconds hand (or equivalent digital
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display) and watch it tick forward for a bit. Change is constant, yet still
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continuously moving forward. Even though the change is happening though,
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everything is still roughly the same as it was before. Blood continues to move
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through your body, constantly cycling its oxygen with other parts, but it
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continues.
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Coming out to my parents was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done.
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I was nervous beyond belief. I hardly ate that day I hit send. I turned off my
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phone after doing it and got lost in a game that I liked playing. The real
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reason it was so scary to me though is that I had already tried to come out to
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them in the past but I was shut down.
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Middle school was rough for me. I don't really remember much of it (other than
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they banned high fives for "gang activity"), but that was when my parents found
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my diary app. I don't remember why they were going through my laptop (I grew up
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in one of _those_ kinds of Jesus freak households), but they found it somehow
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and my entries where I was questioning my gender came to their attention and
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they confronted me about it. I was not ready at all. I was completely blindsided
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by it. That attempt to come out failed and I was put into Christian
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"counseling". I was pushed deep back into the closet and I still have trouble
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writing down my thoughts in a journal to this day.
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So that day I hit "send" on [the
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email](https://christine.website/blog/coming-out-2015-12-01) was mortally
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terrifying. All that fear from so long ago came raging up to the surface and I
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was left in a crying and vulnerable state. However it ended up being a good kind
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of cry, the healing kind.
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My relationship with my parents (and later my siblings) has deteriorated since,
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and not just for religious differences. However, I am fine. I am still healing
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and I probably will be healing for a long time and I have accepted that. In
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place, I have found something more powerful to put in their place. I have found
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a new family of choice.
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[For the parents that read this blog, please do not repeat this kind of
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suffering if you can avoid it. I don't want anyone else to suffer the way I have
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if I can help to avoid it.](conversation://Cadey/enby)
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This was a huge change, but it ended up being for the better. That change was a
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tool to help me live a better life surrounded by the people I wanted to be
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around as opposed to the people I inherited.
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There's an idiom that comes to mind, something that is in the "completely
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misunderstood" brand of idioms: "blood is thicker than water".
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It's often used by people to emphasize the importance of familial relationships
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over friendships or the like (family is the "blood" part of that idiom, and
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friendships are the "water" part). The full form of the idiom is closer to this:
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> The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
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This overall sentiment is [commonly interpreted by Christian
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scholars](https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/murray_andrew/two/two09.cfm) to
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have a meaning closer to "the bond between Jesus and someone who chooses to
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believe in Him is stronger than the bond between family members", however we can
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afford to interpret this differently for the sake of this message.
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The bonds you choose are stronger than the bonds you inherited. The bonds I have
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with my friends, my husband, my closest companions and all those who I keep
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close to me are stronger than the bonds with my family will ever be.
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In a way, coming out as transgender to people and that level of associated
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change has become a _tool_ to help me figure out who really cares about me and
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who I should bother keeping around me. It's my life. I can live it as honestly,
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openly and real as I want to. I don't have to justify it to anyone but myself.
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You don't really have to justify this level of change to anyone else but
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yourself either. It'll let you know who your real friends are, for better and
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for worse. You don't have to keep anyone around you that can't accept you for
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who you are. Your family of choice will _always_ have stronger bonds than your
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family of origin.
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<center>
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<picture>
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<source srcset="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif" type="image/avif">
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<source srcset="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp" type="image/webp">
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<img src="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.png" alt="The dude abides">
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</picture>
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</center>
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The Dude abides, so will you. Change as a result of coming out can be a good
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thing as much as it can be a bad thing. Don't let inherent negativity biases
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blind you to that.
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scripts/ditherify
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scripts/ditherify
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scripts/imgoptimize
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scripts/imgoptimize
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#!/usr/bin/env nix-shell
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#! nix-shell -p libwebp -p libavif -p pngcrush -i bash
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filename="${1%.*}"
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cwebp ${filename}.png -q 75 -o ${filename}.webp
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avifenc ${filename}.png -o ${filename}.avif -s 0 -d 8 --min 48 --max 48 --minalpha 48 --maxalpha 48
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pngcrush ${filename}.png
static/blog/change/pngout.png
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static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif
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static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp
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static/blog/change/the-dude.jpg
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